Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
