it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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