my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My pussy is not your playground.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
