Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
