someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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