We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
