Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You are the jesus of drinking
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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