1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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