Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
