HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Randomize
