I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
