i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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