The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
