tell your sister to shave her snatch
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
