Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
