I'm really into asian looking animals
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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