Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
