just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
