remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
