Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You took a bar mat shot.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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