...so i touched it.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
