So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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