I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
