It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
