I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
