I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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