i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
