Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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