A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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