I just threw up on my dentist
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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