Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
