i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
