it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Can I color on your dick again?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
