I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sorry about my life...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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