I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
