I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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