Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
