mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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