why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
