I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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