im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She announced her abortion via fbk
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
