we should wear snuggies to the strip club
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
So squirting runs in the family.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's shark week go big or go home
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
