from now on my penis is your penis
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
