I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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