i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
