I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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