Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
