Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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