your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
