then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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