Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
