I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
