go do what you do best...puke behind churches
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
