Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
